Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. “I don’t serve strings in this bar,” the bartender says roughly and throws him out. The second roughs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. “Hey, didn’t you hear what I told your buddy?” the bartender says. “Yeah,” the string says. “Aren’t you a string?” the bartender says. “I’m a frayed knot,” the string replies.
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie!” Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.” At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender. “They’re complimentary.”
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
Two muffins are in the oven. One says, “Geez, it’s hot in here, isn’t it?”
And the other one says, “Aaaaaah! A talking muffin!”
When ducks fly in a V, why is one side of the V longer than the other?
There are more ducks on that side.
Why don’t seagulls fly in the bay?
Because they don’t want to be bagels.
A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Ya got any grapes?”
The bartender looks sternly at the duck and replies, “No, we don’t have any grapes. This is a bar, and we don’t serve ducks anyway. Now get out of here!”
The duck walks away but returns to the same bar the next day and says, “Ya got any grapes?”
To this the bartender looks very sternly at the duck and replies, “No, we don’t have any grapes. I told you yesterday that we didn’t have grapes and that we didn’t serve ducks. Now get out of here. If you come in here again, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!”
The duck walks away unfazed and again returns to the same bar on the next day. He walks up to the bartender and says, “Ya got any nails?”
The bartender replies, “No, we don’t have any nails! This is a bar!”
So the duck says, “Ya got any grapes?”
Why do turds taper?
So your butt won’t slam shut!