In the interest of trying to be more present in this space, here I am. Writing to myself, about myself. Wondering if anyone is reading this; and wondering if I care what the answer is. I’ve distanced myself on social media platforms, seldom commenting, and reducing my sphere of interaction rather drastically over the past several years…am I in place where I’m comfortable now, or is it time to start reaching out again? The thing is, it’s a two-way street, isn’t it? If I reach out, will anyone answer? Isn’t writing here a form of reaching out in and of itself? It’s at least a beginning. Baby steps.
I’ve spent a little time today thinking about my own personality quirks that I take ownership of that are possibly things that bother others. What things do you do that have the potential to drive others away, even when they are things that you think are good things about you? I’m fast. I’m efficient. I’m really organized. But…I’m impatient. I hate waiting and I am anal-retentive about time management because I hate being late for things. It spills over into all areas of my life: I don’t procrastinate on much. I get up and put things away immediately. I constantly clean up after myself. I answer messages and emails right away. I drive 5 kilometers (minimum) above the speed limit. It’s often hard for me to hide my impatience. I like having answers to problems, or doing something concrete about the things that bother me. Even if I intellectually realize that sometimes waiting is the better option as it provides times for things to work themselves out, or solutions to present themselves, or better options to open up, I’m much more likely to take some decisive action than wait.
I make lists of things that need to be done; it’s an almost instinctive response to handling all the things in my life that need to be taken care of. I find it far easier to prioritize if I have a list, even if writing something down often means I have to break it down in smaller, do-able pieces in order to actually cross off the main thing. It’s like when you write “Repaint the garage” on your to-do list, only what you really should have written is 1. Rent or borrow a pressure-cleaner. 2. Thoroughly pressure-clean garage exterior. 3. Check for supplies. 4. Buy paint and whatever supplies we don’t already have. 5. Wait for it to stop raining. 6. Repaint garage.
Today has been a slow day of sleeping in, waiting for more results in the election tallies, doing laundry, writing letters, talking to my emotional support Canadian best friend for a very long time, handling AWC admin and reading. It’s been a wet, rainy, cold, dark day. The lawn is littered with golden birch leaves. The birds are speed-emptying the feeders I just started filling for the winter. The horse behind us stops and watches me when I go out to fill the feeders. “Hi horse!” I call to him (her?) every time. No response, just a careful eye. Now it’s heading into dinner time. Anders just came in from working on the garage roof most of the day. I still have a load and a half of laundry in progress. Hopefully we will watch a movie or more Mad Men tonight instead of torturing ourselves livestreaming CNN.