I used to be able to sleep so long in the mornings. Of course I’d stay up late, most often, as well, but I was a champion sleeper-in-er. I could easily sleep until 11, or even later. I was still a teenager, basically, well into my adulthood. Even when I had young children who got up early, sleeping in was my best reward and best treat. So, I don’t know if it’s years of getting up for work by 7 am or just aging, but I can’t sleep in anymore. I guess if you count not setting an alarm and sometimes making it to 8 sleeping in…that happens once in a blue moon. But I used to sleep all the way through the night as well, and that ship has also sailed. Although, not because of aging or whatever, but because of the meds I’m on.
It’s worse now, with the cortisone treatment I’m currently in the middle of, which I’ve mentioned before. And even the getting up to go to the bathroom at least 2-3 times a night hasn’t been so bad because I have almost always been able to fall asleep again, at least as long as I keep my eyes shut as much as possible on the way to and from, and while in, the bathroom. And as long as I don’t catch sight of Anders’ clock. If I know what time it is, my brain perks up and won’t shut up about it. It’s also harder in the summer when it’s so light, leading up to midsummer, though I swear the light starts disappearing faster this side of of the solstice. It FEELS darker longer in the middle of the night.
Even now, sleeping in or not having to set an alarm invariably makes my good things list for the day.
Right now, things are extra painful in regards to not sleeping, since I am tracking bathroom visits on an app, and if I don’t do it right away, I’ll forget by morning. And that, of course, means waking my brain up even more. At least the last several nights I actually HAVEN’T had to do that, even if I’ve gotten up to go to the bathroom, but I still haven’t been able to fall asleep easily most nights these last several weeks. I can’t get comfortable, I can’t stop hearing noises (Anders breathing, rain, creaking, birds chirping, whatever), and I lie there, and lie there, and change position occasionally, and my brain wakes up more and more, until I have to give up, and get up, and go out to the living room and read, or play on my iPad until I’m sufficiently tired out to try again, or it’s too late in the morning and time to shower and eat breakfast, and take more pills.
It’s not insomnia, really, which is rated as a medical condition (sometimes chronic), even though I’m experiencing the same symptoms, thanks to my medications. But it might as well be. The internet informs me that insomnia is also known as “sleeplessness”. Well, duh, Captain Obvious. That’s literally its definition. Insomnia is part of a group of sleepy words that hail from the Latin word somnolentus, which itself comes from somnus, meaning “sleep.” Interestingly, to me, anyway, the Swedish noun for sleep is “somn”, though the verb for “to sleep” is “att sova” which comes from Old Norse sofa, from Proto-Germanic swefaną, ultimately from Proto-Indo-European swep– (“sleep”). To fall back asleep in Swedish is “att somna om”.
Last night was particularly grueling, as I awoke around 3:30, went to the bathroom, and then realized that Anders was also up and restless. Turns out he was having a bad case of heartburn/reflux. He had to go lie sitting up on the sofa for several hours. I couldn’t get back to sleep myself, and ended up reading for about 2 hours. Then I REALLY gave up and went and worked on a PPT for awhile before I was tired enough to doze for about an hour. Anders was up again around 7, and I woke up at 7:50 and got up about 15 minutes later. I’m quite tired NOW, but I really don’t want to nap during the day and make things worse for tonight. UGH.
I miss sleeping through the night. I miss sleeping in, in the mornings. I hope that when I’m done with the medications and my system is reset that I’ll sleep longer, and better. I hope I’ll be able to fall back asleep in the twinkling of an eye. From my lips to god’s ears. Or whoever is in charge of sleep up/out there. The Greek god of sleep is Hypnos, but guess what his Roman name is? SOMNUS! He is said to be a calm and gentle god, as he helps humans in need and, due to their sleep, owns half of their lives. He can own half of mine, if he helps me sleep again.
*I haven’t had a wink of sleep. (not really, I had a wink. The word “wink” has been used to denote a brief period of sleep since the 14th century, though the term “forty winks” was first recorded in 1872, used to denote a short nap.)
Mood: tired
Music: The Faders—No Sleep Tonight