IT’S JUST HAIR

Right now I am mostly sad, on the verge of depressed. On Tuesday, I finally had the appointment at the skin department of the hospital and the doctor examined me, took my history, and then took a biopsy from my scalp. The results will take up to two weeks (it’s been a week tomorrow) and hopefully it will show if any of the medicine I am on is the cause for the massive hair loss. Then the nurse put a huge bandage on my head and I had to walk back across the entire hospital complex to my car looking like an accident victim. Halfway there, I lost it and called my manager sobbing. I had been supposed to go in to the office after my appointment, but I just couldn’t, looking like I did. I worked from home the rest of the week. keeping the camera off when I had Teams meetings, and then had Friday off.

On Friday, I went super early to drop off samples in Löberöd (my gastro doctor is working of figuring out why I am having colitis symptoms creeping back), then met up with Karin in Malmö and we went to a haircare place that specializes in helping people with hair loss and baldness. We looked at headgear and I bought two turbans, one black and one pale pink, and ordered a navy one as well, so I have some color options. It was depressing as hell. I HATE hats and headgear. I never wear them. I don’t like having things on my head. I hate the way they make my face look (round and fat) and I get hot too easily, and I just hate them. My hair looked so terrible at this point that I was nearly in tears several times. Karin and I went and had fika to kill time, then went and had lunch. At 1 pm I had to be at the hospital to have an intraveneous iron infusion (if that is the right word), which lasted an hour. Then we killed some more time walking around a couple of secondhand stores, and then we went to my hairdresser.

Albertina already knew what was going on with my hair and when I texted her on Monday to see if she could squeeze me in any time this past week, she kindly made time for me at 4 pm on Friday afternoon, whereupon she cut off most of it. I haven’t had my hair this short since I was six years old. She made it look halfway decent, keeping a few inches because she said that IF the hair loss should stop soon, it won’t take as long for it to “catch up” with what is left. I am nearly completely bald on top and the entire back, I just have a ring of hair around the front and above my neck. Karin made me buy some cover-up brown spray stuff, but after trying it, I don’t want to use it as it looks weird and mats up the hair that I do have, drying it out. It’s already super dry and brittle, and that doesn’t help. Plus it’s still coming out in the same amounts as before.

I wore a turban for the first time, to work, today, and was so self-conscious I was on the verge of tears the entire time I was there, which, granted, wasn’t long because right as we went into our daily sync meeting, I suddenly realized that in the scramble this morning to get to the healthcare clinic AGAIN before work, I had forgotten to take all my pills. So I had to leave and worked from home the rest of the day. I’ve now sent an inquiry to the skincare doctor about the process for possibly getting a wig, and also a message to my gastro doctor about replacing the drip with something that doesn’t cause hair loss, if any such substitutes exist.

Some advice for people who are talking to someone going through major health issues: Don’t joke about it (unless they joke first, maybe, and maybe not even then). Don’t tell them about someone else you know who is dealing with something similar (or worse). Don’t tell them about someone else who has it way worse in some way. My hairdresser, in an attempt to make me feel better, I guess (or make me feel less bad? who knows) told me about another customer of hers who had recently lost her daughter in a car accident. I am well aware that there are MILLIONS of people in the world who have it worse than me. Telling me about them does not make me feel better. It just makes me feel selfish, so worse. Don’t tell me what you think is causing it or tell me about something you read or saw that is the cure or the answer. Don’t give me advice about what I should try. JUST LISTEN if I need to talk. Just sympathize. And don’t tell me I look great in short hair or in a stupid turban. And finally, respect it if I say I don’t want to talk about it. Talking about it and answering questions about it makes me cry. Although, to be fair, everything is making me cry right now. And for fuck’s sake, don’t say “it’s just hair, it’ll grow back.” You don’t know that. I don’t know that. If my doctors can’t even figure out what’s causing it, how can we be sure it will stop or get better? And that doesn’t help me NOW, when it would take OVER A YEAR for my hair to be the length it was before it started falling out. I know that people don’t know what to say or do, and that they’re most often just trying to make you feel better, and most of the time, I would totally get that, and be able to deal with it. But not right now.

I contacted a woman in the AIC who has a therapy business, but she only does online sessions (which I am not up for), and her fees were outrageously high. I am aware that I’m depressed and not handlng any of this very well (or maybe I am…is there a way to handle this well?). My daughter thinks I need to talk to someone who doesn’t know me, and that I am being way too harsh on myself, and I can agree. Thankfully, when I wrote to her to say thank you, but no thank you, and why, she responded very graciously and even recommended a colleague who charges half what she does, AND offers in-person meetings. I need to check with my health insurance to see if any of it is covered, but then will contact her to set up an appointment.

Oh, and I cancelled the cataract surgery. I just can’t deal with it right now on top of everything else. And of course, my eyes have been super blurry and bad all week since.

Mood: tired, sad, borderline teary
Music: Isabel Dumaa—C’est La Vie