Why do I do that? Why do I mentally turn away, begin to tune out, slam up a wall as soon as someone starts talking about it? I can feel myself doing it and I have to force myself to listen, force myself not to roll my eyes, not to mentally cover the conversation with a loudly silent YEAH YEAH YEAH<\/i> inside my skull?<\/p>\n
Do I do it because I’m in denial? Because I’m so sure that I already KNOW everything that is coming, everything that is being said? Because I hate being lectured at even though I know everyone who begins this conversation has only my best interests at heart, only wants to help? If I’m so smart and know so much, then why haven’t I done something about it long ago?<\/p>\n
Lazyness, habit, comfort, inertia.<\/p>\n
All of my attempts in recent years have been half-assed, laughable, well-intentioned (check out the pretty paving on that road to hell!), short-circuited.<\/p>\n
Do I think it can’t happen to me? Do I think this is a game?! What am I afraid of?<\/p>\n
If I did something about it, what would I be losing? What would I be giving up? What would I be revealing? If I changed it all, stripped it all away, would there be anything left?<\/p>\n
I don’t know why I can’t get started or why I stop myself.<\/p>\n
When someone brings it up, starts the subject, offers advice, all I can think is: I KNOW<\/b>. I don’t want to hear it again because I KNOW<\/b>.<\/p>\n
I know<\/b><\/i> what’s good for me, and right now I am admitting it’s apparently NOT ME<\/b>.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n